When Life Gives You a Lemon Tree

 

Several years ago, I discovered that I had an odd interest in growing peppers.  Not just any peppers, rare and hot peppers.  My deck often looked like a small jungle of Habanero, Black Hungarian (the purple flowers are beautiful), Chili, Jalapeno, and sometimes a random seed from a random collection.  You get the picture.

In that process I discovered an interest in germinating seeds and decided to practice a few techniques such as one for lemons and it was very simple.   I took a generic lemon from the local grocery store and popped out a few seeds.   I let the seeds dry for a few days and then I had 5 decent little seeds.  

The trick was to pick off the outer husk ever so gently and then lay them between two small pieces of paper towel. Once between simply add some water and a small drop of hydrogen peroxide for fungus control and some other horticultural jibber-jabber reason.   Then take that paper and seed Quesadilla and slide it into a sandwich bag, remove the air, seal it, and then place it somewhere dark and cool like the back of a cupboard you rarely open.  Then give it some time.

Like most men on the planet, what did I do next?  I forgot.  I forgot until one day my son was eating a Caesar Salad and I remembered that I had seeds in my cupboard that were probably fighting for life.   I suspect it was about 7 weeks later but about on schedule for a check.   When I held the bag up to the light, I could see through the translucent wet paper that one of the seeds had sprouted!   The others did not but I had a fighter on my hands.  Life.

I took that single seed and placed it in a small pot with some general-purpose soil and a little water-soluble fertilizer.  I then, again left it alone and placed it on my south-facing window sill, but behind the couch where I, again, forgot.  I forgot until one day I was looking out over the couch and saw my little baby tree.   

So far two lessons can be ascertained.  First, you must start something but give it space to do what it does naturally.  Second, keep it safe and in the right conditions for growth.  That seed and baby tree did not require my intervention to do its thing.  It just needed opportunity.

I can stop right here and talk about youth development, or development in any regard.  Start, set the conditions, and remove barriers.   But there is more that this tree has taught me.

Over the years, the tree grew and grew and was always a conversation piece.  Look at my lemon tree.  In Newfoundland.  Like I did some Harry Potter magic as I had nothing to do with its growth, I just provided opportunity.

I did notice that each winter, during low light and stressful times, the tree struggled.   It lost most of its leaves but continued in what little natural light was available.   Note that I tried growing lights but for some reason that tree never really responded to it.  It seemed to need natural light not artificial light.  You may see another analogy there, but I’ll skip it yet.

Each spring and summer it grew and this year was about a meter tall with slapdash branch trajectory as it tried to figure out the light.

Last year, I had a flood in my house which required that I relocate to a temp home and my girlfriend, Laura, hosted Lemony in her porch and it continued to grow with just a little water and her attention and periodic conversation with it.. 

The house get repaired and Lemony comes back and sat in my window again.   But this year its success and growth seemed to have met its peak and I somewhat understood that the growth may have hit a point that there is not enough light for the photosynthesis for the mass of the tree.   So I did what I tend to do (another story) and I began to prune this tree and decided that I could help it along and in my defense, pruning is often a valuable technique – but I’m no expert and just started hacking away at what I thought were things needing my intervention.   Maybe it needed some, but my efforts seemed to be excessive as the few leaves that remained simply fell and left me with a tree that looked like the WWI tree in no mans land in France.  Busted. Cracked. Leafless. A skeleton of flora. 

I was sure that I killed it.  I felt so bad after those many years of bringing the right conditions and opportunity that my action seemed to have had the opposite effect so I kept it in the window – but most importantly – I did not throw it out because it looked bad or seemed dead.   I let it be and returned to just giving it safety and opportunity.

This morning, I peered over at the tree that was obscured by my loveseat and what did I see?   Life.  That tree was not finished but all I had to do was stop interfering in its growth.   I had a small sprout on a branch but at the trunk root was a new strong branch reaching for that light.

You see, I have had a difficult personal journey for the last decades and I have spent most of my time developing skills that may have had opposite effect to the intention.   I would obsess over personal risk and anxiety and prevent things that were not yet, or ever to be, manifested.  The tree reminds me that it only required my attention to let it develop.  It did not require my action. Sure, on occasion I would move it somewhere better or put it a safe place following a flood (remember I needed help with that one), but overall it was fine, despite the stressed times until I decided to take action.  Life will continue until it does not.  It only ends quicker when we interfere – even with good intention.

To apply this analogy to a personal story, I had treated my relationship a little like that tree. I may have tried to use my poorly learned skills (again a story for another time) to simply manage the stressor and trim and control it to try and help.   In that, damage was done and I was sure it was dead.  Two important things happened.   First I stopped trying to actively fix something that has proven over and over that it will grow on its own with simple attention and opportunity.   Second, and most importantly, I did not throw it out.   The tree decided to respond and grow on its own and, while it won’t look like the tree it started out as but its just as beautiful and important as that sprout in the Ziploc bag that was given a chance.

I don’t think I can tell people how important it is to have faith in life and growth.  We need not protect too much from hazard actual or perceived.  I take my personal analogy and look at it this way.  Will it recover from my damage after years of success?  Quite possibly.  What do I need to provide? Not much.  Attention and opportunity.  If it continues to grow, I will welcome it and never handle the tree the same ever again.

I love my tree, no matter how it looks.  Its strong.  It always has been.

 

Climbing that hill

It has occurred to me that, over the years, I have accumulated some knowledge. Some of it has even proven useful.  For the most part, knowledge comes in two forms.  First, it is simple learning.  Lets say that you learn a new skill - perhaps how to change the tire on your car. Knowledge. Congratulations. The second kind of knowledge is a bit deeper and I refer to it as relational knowledge.  

Relational Knowledge.  Contextual. Application of it.  Understanding what it is you know and how it relates to your life and perhaps other aspects of it.  This is the kind of knowledge that perhaps philosophers understand.   In the example of the car tire the relational aspect of knowing how to change YOUR car tire means that you are most likely to be able to change MOST car or even truck tires.  

I my life I have learned a few things and, while I very rarely am able to point back to a single event in which a life lesson was presented, I tend to apply the cumulative knowledge to my life and often if is formed as advice.

I'll get on with my example here.

A friend of mine came to me a few years ago in a pretty difficult life situation. A situation that sadly at least half of us all have to endure.  He knew I had been through similar so he came to me to talk and obtain my perspective.   Our discussion grew into a generalization of life challenges in general, so my metaphor if more inclusive than just the event that initiated the discussion.

Lets say for a moment that you are in crisis.  Not the kind where you are out of nachos before Game of Thrones is coming on, but the kind that is life changing or altering.  You see, as humans we are constantly figuring out our path and planning our route to avoid dangers and pitfalls. Its how we are wired - to avoid injury and pain.  So a change was made and the path you had previously planned is now gone. You have a new path and perhaps you have to travel it alone.

Imagine yourself at the base of a mountain and it has a long but relatively clear path that winds along the outer edge.  Attached to you is your sled.  On this sled is all your life and lets face it, we all have a lot of stuff.  My sled if different than yours, and it is unique.  We can unload a few things but generally its all coming with us.

You look up this mountain with a Tony Robbins attitude and reciting "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.." and you start to pull slightly but the sled barely moves. The weight is tremendous.  You look up the slope and now it is further away its is becoming overwhelming and all you can think is "How can I possibly get to the top?"

You see, we have been trained from a young age to target the wrong things.  Phrases like "Keep your eye on the prize" are drilled into us.  We are told to set goals and never lose sight of them.  Perhaps this is not right.  Perhaps, just perhaps we are not wired to perform in such a way.  Some are.  Some people certainly are and when we hear their stories on TV or on a Ted Talk video we are inspired - and so we should be.  But that was them. They have a different sled. 

So how do I suggest to climb that hill?  I tackle it a little bit different.

I say to not look up the mountain for too long.  Don't let the big picture swallow up up.  Lean into the straps and pull.  Pull your sled.  First one step. Then two. Then three. You get the picture.

While Newton's laws are designed to explain the physical world, I think there are emotional and intellectual mechanisms that can also be described similarly.  Inertia is a funny thing because an object in rest tends to stay at rest.  Upon the first pull you made on your sled you thought "Crap. That's heavy".  Then you looked up the slope (at your goal, mind you) and you instantly executed some simple but rough mathematics to arrive and a huge number.  This is not a number of reality because it was based on the first pull and the energy it took to try and move the sled from a full stop is LESS then the energy needed to keep it moving.  Getting it to move is hard. Keeping it moving is easier because the inertia also will work for you because an object in motion will tend to want to stay in motion.

So instead of looking up that hill again. Just lean into the straps and feel the weight. Feel the strain and feel how hard it is, but notice that it gets a little easier with each step. Focus on that.  Do not ever look up. Well, not yet.

At some point you will tire and will need rest. This is a part of the cycle.  So let your sled come to a stop on its own. Do not look up.  Look back. Look back to see your footprints and sled marks and appreciate what you just accomplished.  Now you can rest, but don't look back up the hill.  Not yet.

When rested, look back first. Look at how far you came. Now look up.  Crap. Its still  a long distance, but instead of multiplying distance by energy, simply subtract what you just did from some unknown value.  You won't know how much is left, but it is less then it was yesterday by the amount you appreciated.

Now, lean back into the straps and pull again - follow the same process as the first day and never look up the hill.  When you tire, rest and look back. Wow. Now you have gone twice as far, if not more. Each cycle will bring you more strength and you will actually accomplish more with each successive cycle.  When you look up you will should know that you are twice as close as you were before.

If you follow this process of not being overwhelmed but the mountain, there will come a point.  A very important one.  A point in which you will realize that the distance travelled is about half way to the end. While your assessment is merely a judgment or best guess, its a pretty important realization.  Now when you look up, its less than the distance you have already travelled and you no longer have the same sense of dread.

Why is that important? Well, it is at this point when the overwhelming feeling will start to decay. At this point at which you no longer fear, to the same degree, the mountain.  You may be tired but even if you take a longer rest now, its OK.

The important moment exists because it is the transition to a realization that whatever hill we climb, we only have to fight the first half.  That's the part that really has the control and power over our sense of capability.  The rest of the journey can be completed with a lighter heart because you are stronger and you have proven that you can make it half way, to the rest of the way is a mere duplication of your previous accomplishment.  For the most part you did this by not looking up.

Regardless of your crisis. Just lean into the straps an pull. Feel the load and be mindful of the decrease in energy required. Don't get fooled by the initial weight because inertia will resist your pull and later it will be your ally.

Don't Ban Dog Breeds, Be Smarter Than That

When it comes to animals and the discussion of banning a breed of dog I have two thoughts. First it’s dumb to ban a select breed of animals as it only goes to create a false sense of security as the source of the problem, the owners, are still not being addressed.  Second, it’s equally stupid to not understand that some animals have vastly more capacity to cause damage should an incident occur.

The first answer is responsible ownership of animals.  But who can determine what is needed and what is effective?  Certainly there are many more responsible animal owners then irresponsible ones so who polices this situation.

Well there is one thing for sure.  It is without argument that any animal, regardless of size or breed, can cause damage to people or property and the only remaining question is one of magnitude.  Similarly as to how an accident in a small car, as unlikely to occur as it is, will cause less damage than a full size truck.  It becomes a question of magnitude as to the level of damage.  Even with responsible driving, the occurrence of an incident is possible for anyone.

I believe we already have the framework of a system to help us all out here.  And that is liability insurance.   Most jurisdictions require a dog (and sometimes all animals) to be licensed in some regard.  To some it’s a cash-grab from the municipality, but to some it’s a way to get the animal back to you – and most likely with a fee attached.   In those cases, the animal is always registered against a home address to a home owner or renter.  The animal is always associated with a dwelling.

Now my home has insurance and liability insurance for the unlikely situation that someone slips, falls, or gets hurt due to some unforeseen circumstance.  Liability and occupancy insurance exists for renters (this is not expensive) too – but this is not always enforced as the home usually has the insurance.

So let’s return to the thought of responsible owners and how to prove or encourage responsibility.  I feel that all animals should have liability insurance, verified by the municipality for the animal license, associated with the property in which they reside (either as a home owner, or a renter).   This insurance could financially cover those unforeseen incidents in which there is damage or injury but also actually associate a cost with irresponsibility.  Ultimately, let the insurance industry consider risk and ownership metrics. 

For instance, if you have a German Sheppard and the animal is in any sort of formal socialization program (service animal, or search and rescue), then it’s a major discount. If you, as the owner, have completed some sort of training – then a discount.  If you have no history of claim – vastly reduced.

This is a possible way to consider statistically proving someone is a good and responsible owner – just like we do with drivers.   I am not advocating for huge insurance fees but when you ultimately make it financially beneficial to be responsible, then those that normally do not care or give it a second though may start to. Don’t ban breeds, monitor and support the owners.

Odd days

You know, I had a reasonably good day today.  My nephew was Christened.  We were able to get Dad from the Hoyles home on a special bus to attend the Christening.  I even read in church.  I was still overwhelmed today to the point of breakdown.

I don't know why this happens from time to time.  Perhaps I really have not dealt with any of my personal stress as I continuously try and help the rest of my family and friends.  Granted, I am trying to get my house built and its starting now, but that in itself is quite an emotional ordeal.

So what happened to set me off today?  Well Dad was in his wheelchair, and like anyone who has Alzheimer's/Dementia, they are not themselves.  I had to read a passage in church today.  When I walked to the front I could hear Dad saying to Mom "Look, there's Jason".  It was just a but unusual to hear Dad talk so loud in Church sort of oblivious to everything else around him.  But what got me, what really got me, was that he sounded PROUD.  I have to say I walked up and had to choke back a huge lump in my throat and make my way through the reading as best as I could.

After that we finished the service and they even brought Communion to him.  He liked it.  Mom got on the bus and took him back to the Home. She came and met me then we went back to the Christening party.

I was just stretched thin today.  I know it was short lived but I am still dealing with this heart issue where I have far too many PVC (Google That - but not the rubber suits) and feeling light headed a little.  I know things will get better.  I have to believe it, but some days it seems like I will never see it.

I know there are some special people in my life and I can't see them as much as I want to.  That hurts me too.  I know that one day all the good will make its way to the front of my life, I am just eager for that to manifest itself.  Better days ahead.

What my mother has been through......

All the issues that my father has faced over the last year has taken its toll on my mother and family in general.  There was a contest for Mother's day that was hosted by a local radio station in which you could nominate a deserving mother for a set of new appliances.   I decided to write an email for that contest. 

I recently discovered it again and realized that it describes the situation very well.  I decided to share it.

====BEGIN EMAIL COPY====

I am about to tell you a story of heartache, pain, perseverance, and strength that will tell you why my mother, Cecilia (Dee) Dawe is the most deserving person.

First of all, my parents came from humble beginnings and always provided for us.  They have lived in the same house in Foxtrap for 38 years.  Mom was always known for cooking and entertaining family, friends, strangers, and the kitchen was a focal point in our life.  Mom came from a simple background and worked in a daycare (Activ-Time) in Topsail for about as long as I can remember.  The parents and kids there remember her as Mrs. Dee.  I am amazed at how many people light up when they make the connection that my mother was Mrs. Dee.  She almost met fatal results from a leg infection in February, 2005 (year of my wedding), when it was discovered she was a Type II diabetic.  My Dad took her to the doctor every day and tended on her hand and foot.  Making sure she got better.  This was a huge task as she already had so much against her physically with poor leg circulation, blood clots, and various blood pressure and joint/feet issues.  She always worked and fought through it. 

My father worked in Construction all of his life and even though I don't remember my dad being gone long hours, I remember nearly every time he walked through the door.  He always hugged us, greeted us with a smile and made Mom laugh.  There is not a nail or brushstroke in our house that My dad did not personally do. 

My father experienced difficulty that we noticed about December 2009.  He began to forget to get mom a gift for her birthday and Christmas, as well as being generally impatient with her.  did not suspect anything was wrong, just figured Dad was anticipating retiring and was getting 'antsy' .  Throughout the time Mom remained loyal and helpful and tried her best to help dad through whatever troubles he was experiencing.

Parallel to this, my wife and I began to experience our own marital troubles.  At that point, our son was 1 and a half years old. Mom was helping us out by, 2.5 days a week, coming to our house and looking after our son, taking him for walks, and doing the general care while we were at work.  All while managing dad's issues which were getting worse (although she kept us from a lot of it).

In July 2010, I was called by my father's employer and was told that they had some serious concerns about Dad's cognitive health.  I suggested that they keep him from work and we would take him to the doctor.  Mom was still supportive and did everything she could for Dad and took dad with her to look after my son during the day.  She was now not letting Dad drive, taking on the responsibility herself.  Several avenues were explored, ranging from B-12 deficiency to the more sever diagnosis.  In August the worst possible diagnosis was made.  Alzheimer's.  We were devastated.  Mom started looking after Dad full time and we adjusted while we hoped some medication would help.

In September 2010, Mom experienced some blood in her urine and bad pain.  After two trips to the hospital, one in an Ambulance, it was determined that she needed a scope to see what was causing it.  Her doctor put her in right away, seeing she has a family history of cancer and did the examinations.  He discovers lesions that was undetermined to be malignant or infectious.  This is Cancer Scare #1.  Weeks later, he attempts a surgery to remove the lesions for investigation, but discovers they are gone.  He decides to order a CT scan anyway just to make sure.  It is booked for December.

Nov 04, 2010, my wife and I begin the separation process and I again turn to my family for support.  Dad is not able to process it as much, so Mom is burdened with this fact.  I then begin bringing my son to her in Foxtrap in the mornings that she would normally be at my house.  At this point my Dad is spending his days in Upper Gullies with his brother just helping him around the yard and keeping busy.  On Nov 10, 2010  Dad (hid Mother's birthday) gave my son Jack a hug and went to his Brother's.  Mom has had ups and downs and decided to make the best of life and said she was making dad Honey Garlic Ribs and Jack and I would have some when I got off of work.  This day started out pretty good. He even called Mom over lunch (unusual at this point) to say he was having a good day. It ended the worst in our lives.

I got the call at about 3:00 on Nov 10 2010 ,at work, that my father had been hurt in a fire. He had been in my uncle's shed.  They had disconnected all the electricity so that dad could not use any power tools so he was just cleaning up the year and such.  We are not sure what happened, but it appears that he had attempted to start a fire in his woodstove and attempted to use a propellent, such as a can of gasoline collected from a lawnmower and somehow caught himself on fire.  He got out of his clothes, but not before he had 60% 2nd and 3rd degree burns to his body.  I met him at the hospital and spoke to him in the emergency room.  It would be last time we would speak for months.

I had to go home and break the news to Mom.  I will NEVER forget this day and it will haunt me to my death.  She had Jack, my son, in her arms, singing, and the smell of Honey Garlic ribs perforated the house.  She saw me come in, greeted me with a big smile and said 'Oh you are home before your Dad'.  She saw my face and knew something was definitely wrong.  What I said to her next is a bit of a blur, but I tried to help her get dressed and from passing out while my soon to be ex-in-laws came to get Jack.  Mom asked  me how he was and I said that we spoke.  When we got there, dad was already in the induced state and on the respirator. Mom would not talk to him for some time.  My brother came home from Manitoba. From this moment forward it was a constant battle.  He was not expected to live through the first day.  Nor the second.  In two weeks he became severely septic and was beginning complete organ failure.   We were ushered into the ICU sealed room where we donned out protective gear and observed as his last rites (anointing) were performed. 

I watched Mom cry herself to sleep every night and every morning (not to mention throughout most of the day).  She had lost her best friend.  She spent every waking minute at the ICU, sometimes spending hours sat outside the glass wall.  I will not recount the horror we endured as he was undergoing fluid resuscitation, but be aware it was very very difficult.  Though all of this she still made time to thank the nursing staff, bring them food, Christmas chocolate and baskets.  I was amazed at her ability to continue to think of others the whole time.

Dec 24, Dad opened his eyes.  In January was moved from ICU to the 4th floor of the HSC where he continued to progress physically.

One night, mom got a call from the doctor who ordered teh CT scan  who said the result of her CT scan showed something on her ovary.  She needed to see a Gynecological Oncologist. The next morning at her GP, the GP told her she had Cancer.  Cancer Scare #2.  We then had to wait five weeks to see the specialist.  Needless to say, this was yet another emotional setback for her and us.  She had blood tests, and weeks later the Doctor confirmed that she had Cysts but felt it not urgent to deal with seeing all that she knew of our family situation.  We felt like we missed another bullet - someone was seemingly out to take shots at our lives, but Mom continued to push through.

She spent a lot of time consoling folks in the ICU bringing THEM food and trying to help them through whatever they were suffering.

Dad continued to recover.  Miraculously. He retained all his grafts and is now learning to walk again.  Mom travels EVERY day to the hospital to be with dad as he slips away mentally. Alzheimer's is the only disease that makes you miss someone the more you see them. He somehow survived and we have some time left with him as we struggle with long term care decisions and deciding how to finance his care. 

Throughout it all, she still holds my son Jack and tells him everything is fine even when he says 'Poppy Graham is sick right now.'  I don't know where she summons that strength from.  I really have no idea.

My brother and his wife are now expecting a baby and they will be taking over Mom's old house so we can work on putting Mom somewhere more comfortable and new.  I am building a house (on land my Dad excavated for me, next to Mom)  to place her in a downstairs suite so she can have a new place to live  so she is not haunted by so many memories while we get Dad through his final stages. She has very older appliances. The stove is not too old but not all the burners work correctly the dishwasher is quite old.  The Fridge is the hardest of them all and needs to be replaced before it fails.  The Washer and Dryer will have to remain in the house as it was my Brother's before he moved to Manitoba (and consequently moved back). Add to that her mobility issues make it difficult for her to stoop to the bottom of a fridge, so she needs a bottom freezer unit for sure.  She often says, I'd just love to have a new fridge but has no means to do so yet. She really needs some new appliances to brighten her day and perception of life and maybe get back to that happy time in he life before dad got sick, injured, and before her own health issues.   She needs to see some brightness and someone to say YOU DESERVE some good.  I know she is worth much, much more.  I hope you can see it too.

Thank You so much for your consideration. and I hope I can make Mother's Day something special for this special, special woman.  I just want her strength to be recognized for what she has been and continues to go through.

Jason Dawe

Being Nice to People

I sometimes get strange looks from people when I am at a drive-thru or any restaurant or store.  I have a tendency to talk to people with a level of friendliness and general closeness that most are not used to.

Why is this?

Let me be clear about something.  I find that the world has far too many rude people.  I am not saying that I take it on as my personal mission to single-handedly change every one's day to the better, but I do try and be a bit friendly and have brief human dialogue with even a complete stranger.

In the age of Facebook, Twitter, SMS, and even Blogger, the art of human communication is slowly vanishing from the human landscape.  We are animals at our core with social requirements.  Sadly, we have outsourced out communication and idea presentation to non-personal means.  When you step up and try and have some simple eye-contact and a quick chat with someone I find most are not ready for it yet their genetic design immediately recognizes the type of communication as something that they relate to.

It is funny I guess.

I suggest taking opportunity to look a stranger in the eye - especially when you are a customer - and just ask them how their day is.  Not just as the placating rhetorical question but as a serious inquiry.  You may be surprised with the response.